Thursday, January 6, 2011

4 Is Our Number

I'll never have one of those again. As I write these words and say it out loud it still can't be true. But, Steve and I have talked and talked and talked and I cry and we talk some more...but we realize that we are done having children. Is it possible to grieve over the end of your  fertility? Cuz I am. Big time. I'll never shout out my two favorite words of all time..." I'M PREGNANT!" I was never one of those mothers who waited the required 3 months to share the happy news. Oh no. That  test was still hot and I was screaming it out the window. I loved telling people I was pregnant. And speaking of pregnancy tests...I could probably re-do my kitchen with what I spent on those things..but aren't they the best? Seeing those two little lines? I'm crying right now just thinking how I'll never see them again.

I'll never carry another child. Oh how I loved my belly! Feeling those little feet kick inside me. Never again.

I'll never give birth again. And I had easy delivery's. No drugs with any of them they all just came spitting right out.

I'll never hold a newborn again. And swaddle them up so tight. And be so protective of that little bundle..."sorry, you can't hold him right now"

I have to move on. The though of another baby consumes my thoughts and I have to let it go.

I know I'm being all dramatic and all..but that's me. Drama is my middle name.

No more. And I'm so sad. Believe me, I am thankful every day for my 4 beautiful, healthy children..but 4 is our number.


  1. Four is our number too. My youngest just turned one. This is usually the point where the urge for the next baby began. But, instead I've been mulling over many of the same things you listed above. I know it's time. I'm 40 now. My husband and I are tired after 7 1/2 years of diapers, sleepless nights, etc. But, still it's hard to say goodbye to a stage in our lives and packing up those baby clothes one last time.

  2. Hugs to you Pam! I've so been at that place you are today. Like Karen, 4 is our number too. My babies are now in first grade, and this stretch from 2-3:30 each day is so hard for me...I miss them A TON! We talked and talked too...and somedays I still can't believe we are done.

  3. I feel this all the time. I can't imagine not every having that feeling of a gurgle and a jump happening inside when I least expect it. It's hard. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always wish for the unplanned but I fear it every bit as much as it would be welcome. I've just never been one of those "I'll know when I'm done" women. It's something I will forever miss, I think.

  4. Pam, you know I relate to this post!!! We've gone back and forth for months! We're giving it 2 more months. If nothing happens I can say "I'm done" for good, with no regrets at 50. So hard.

    Like you, and like all of us Moms, I'm so grateful for my 3 healthy children.

  5. I'm already thinking about those little toes I'll be counting on my first grand child. Life goes so fast, I hear they will be arriving in no time.

  6. Ahhhh, but Pam before you know it you will have Grandbabies. That is a whole new wonderful world.

    I am 44 and single, childless. I have a 6 year old nephew who I cannot even imagine loving more if he was my very own. My sister and brother and law say it is just going to be the one. I already long for the baby he once was. I just want to hug him up put him in my pocket and have him stay little forever.

    I'm not a Mom so I can't say I understand exactly but I sure think I can relate....if that makes any sense at all.

    4 is a very good number, an excellent number.

  7. It is SO HARD! I know exactly what you mean...TOTALLY!

    I still struggle at times...

    sandy toe

  8. oh Pam...I know how hard it must have been to come to this decision...I too still get that "ache" for a tiny baby somedays, and I got to go backwards a "little" with Lucy which filled a void I had...enjoy these precious moments of Griffy's baby years, because for me the last one was the one I remember the most! xoxo

  9. I hate where you're at right now. And I know exactly what you're saying and what you mean, and I cry a little sometimes, too. I think those of us who love [adore] motherhood will always feel this way -- our hearts are always big enough for more!

    Four is my number, too, but we stopped at three. I'm sometimes saddened by this (coming late to motherhood and a couple of miscarriages helped us make the decision, along with those dreaded 'I really don't think it's a good idea' words from my doctor).

    But once it's firm, you do move on a little differently and find new peace.

  10. I think 4 is the perfect number for you! How lucky you are to have 4. The next phase of your life will enter soon and this sadness will be a blur. I promise! Wait until college tuition starts ...oh, and then there is Hannah's wedding!!! Yes, 4 is a good place to stop. Enjoy!

  11. oh, pam, I soooo get it! and i know you know that from when you came across my older post about it (rockwell) ... believe me, i've felt exactly the same, cried those same tears, and been forced to come to the same conclusion ... it hurts - sorry :-( Just hug those 4 babies of yours as much as you can and enjoy every single minute!!

  12. 4 is good. And YOU are so good. What a Mom. I get verklempt thinking of how VERY blessed your offspring are! Really!

  13. I'm glad someone other than me feels this way besides me! I'm begging for one more to make 4- and we'll have it, God willing. And after we have 4 I'm sure I'll boohoo some more, once that baby is toddling around, longing for another. *sigh* I guess you have to love the stage your children are in now to get past the baby blues. Pam- you'll hold another new born some day. You have beautiful children that are bound to make you a grandma some day, and you'll love those babies, spoil those babies, swaddle those babies, and hold those babies close, thinking- God is good!

  14. i think the hardest thing in life is making decisions that are difficult. i love the pic & have a feeling you are going to have to distract yourself with painting the chairs black & putting on some good music. life can be really tough, if you read my last post. this is also one of the tough things that make us adults. ugh! thinking of you, cathy

  15. Pam, just to update you, the post I was mentioning in my previous comment is The Steeple Project. I just posted & wanted to make sure you knew what i was talking about.

  16. Pam, I know you are sad. Soon it will change to bitter sweet, then you will be full on happy and content. You are beautiful mom, and I have always said it takes special people to want a big family.

  17. What a great post!!
    I just found you and am now your newest follower!
    Have a great weekend.

  18. Reading doesn't sound like you're done to me.

  19. I'm sorry that you're sad, Pam... Dianne is right - life will quickly move you into a new phase and you will be even more busy than you are now with all that your perfect 4 will bring your way. You ARE a great mom! And your 4 are SO lucky to have you!! xoxo

  20. My dear friend,
    I can imagine how hard this is for you. I still feel like that, even with my 103 kids. And now that Heidi's pregnant, it's hard for me to not be jealous and think that I'm old and I can't believe that stage of my life is over and I don't want it to be.
    We are lucky to have what we do, but that still doesn't make it hard. I knew a lady growing up who had 10 kids. She had a hysterectomy when her youngest was about 5. And I remember my mom telling me how hard it was for Cathy to see the finality of that stage of her life, even though they weren't having any more anyway. It's hard. And that's why I think having the last kid leave the nest is so difficult--final nail in the motherhood coffin.
    Wish I had something more upbeat for you. Just know I'm there with ya, wanting those little movements inside and trips to Babies R Us.

  21. I've been "done" so many times, LOL. Baby number 10 will be arriving before we know it. Now I feel like I'll never really be done. And I, too, dream of grandchildren <3

  22. And, btw, none of you are too old to have babies!! I have so many friends that have had successful pregnancies well after age 45 :)

  23. Oh I can so relate to this!! :)

  24. Hi Pam,
    Sorry I am replying so late...I needed more then 2 minutes to get these thoughts down on paper! It is so "funny" that you posted this, I have been thinking about emailing you about this very same thing. I was wondering what your decision would be. We are still trying and praying for number 4!!! It is so hard to say goodbye to that phase of my life and I think I will go kicking and screaming the whole way.:) I too loved every minute of being pregnant and can't imagine never doing something I loved with all of my heart and soul again. It really makes me sad to even think of it.
    Wishing you some peace in your decision and thinking of you!

  25. Pam

    This is my first time here...what a pretty blog you have.

    Just wanted to say I understand your grief...I could only have one baby (via womb)...but then God opened my heart to other things and new ways of looking at life.

    mama to 8
    one homemade and 7 adopted

  26. I sort of agree with Grandma Honey, you never know...That being said, I grieve all the time that it's probably the end for us with nine!!! When you love pregnancy and birth and cuddly newborns, you can NEVER get enough. Hugs to you XXXOOO Eileen